Discipleship Toward Marriage

Biblical Courtship

Know the Steps

If you attend a dance, you should learn the steps. At our annual spring folk dance, I experienced how critical this instruction is. If I failed to pay close attention to the caller, I would find myself bumping into my wife or daughter and awkwardly stepping on toes. For anyone to get anywhere while dancing a reel, or the Boston two step, or a square dance, the caller needs to give direction for the boys and the girls. For partners, those directions compliment one another and the result is that the group can join together in a successful dance. I also observed that for those who had been to folk dances before, they were able to participate much more freely and consequently with less blunders than the rest of us who were still learning.

In a similar way, every culture ought to have a general set of expectations which guide the “dance” before a young man and young woman join together in marriage. A multitude of assumed cultural conventions instruct the steps to find a wife or husband. These steps have traditionally been called courtship. Previous generations in America enjoyed far more unity on what courtship entailed and as a result the dance had less blunders. Not only should there be customs for courtship but those customs must be consistent with principles taught in Scripture.

"Southern Courtship" by American painter Eastman Johnson (1824–1906)

Why Not “Recreational Dating?”

For the most part, our culture has learned the steps to dating from what our peers told us in school or what romantic comedies and tv shows presented. For younger generations, social media plays a far more instructive role. As a result, a confused kind of recreational dating has been taken for granted. Recreational dating encourages romantic escapades and time alone early in the relationship. There is little guidance from parents, pastors, or the broader community apart from advice one might get from friends who are probably just as confused as everyone else. Not only is there little guidance from parents, but the expectation that parents would have any role to play in that process is beyond the pale. In recreational dating, a “partner” is the goal and marriage is considered completely optional. How do you determine who a partner is? Go ask someone out who you find attractive. Intimacy is encouraged from the outset. Maybe over time you will talk about dreams, goals, beliefs, and maybe even the possibility of marriage but do what you feel is best. Your feelings are what matter. Let your heart be your guide. You should find someone who makes you happy.

There are many problems with this approach and yet, it is still common even among Christians. The results of wide spread recreational dating have been far less than ideal. Many of the assumptions and practices in recreational dating are selfish, sexually naïve, and subversive to God’s order. Our culture’s dating standards deracinate sex from commitment, authority, and child bearing. Our nation is moving from high divorce and remarriage rates to a decline in marriage across the board. Throughout all of the relational turmoil, fewer children continue to be born and prolonged singleness is normative. Loneliness and sexual confusion pervade individuals. This has been the bitter fruit of the last six or so decades. While recreational dating culture is not the sole cause of this relational bareness, it is certainly a contributor to the whole vanity fair.

By What Standard?

In order to gain back unity on the steps toward marriage, Christians must abandon the cultural confusion and turn to God’s Word for guidance and understanding. Scripture affirms that delighting in one another is a primary part of sexual intimacy.

Let your fountain be blessed,
And rejoice with the wife of your youth.
As a loving deer and a graceful doe,
Let her breasts satisfy you at all times;
And always be enraptured with her love. - Proverbs 5:18-19

However, the key to this delight is that it is freely shared in the context of a marriage. A relationship that has commitment to one another. A fire can be an incredible blessing to a home in the context of a fire place, but a fire will also cause great damage outside of that context. To remove sexual delight from the context of marriage and expect to not be burned is foolishness.

In addition to delight, God created sexual romance for child bearing. Children are the primary fruit and another primary purpose for that intimacy.

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one’s youth.
Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them - Psalm 127:3-5

Our culture’s dating norms by contrast are sexually fruitless. Children are not seen as a blessing. How could they be when romantic relationships are treated so casually? Raising children requires a life long commitment. How much better is it to raise children in the midst of a loving, committed, marriage, rather than a temporal relationship which views the child as the unintended consequence of their parent’s recreation.

God’s Word teaches us that sex should not be separated from commitment in marriage or conceiving children. Attempting to do so causes hurt, emotional scarring, and regret. Therefore, a non-negotiable for every Christian should be abstinence from sexual intimacy until marriage and this is the standard we should want for our children. Praise God that through Jesus there is grace, forgiveness, and reconciliation for God’s people when we fall short of this standard. However, we are forgiven and saved in order for us to live in obedience to His standard and we are not saved to continue in sin.

What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it? Or do you not know that as many of us as were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death? Therefore we were buried with Him through baptism into death, that just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life. - Romans 6:1-4

Principles not Methods…

The point of biblical courtship is not to establish specific social etiquette but instead it establishes principles. Through those principles we can provide a filter for how we judge a particular social etiquette. Discipleship toward marriage does not dictate that a man must take off their shoe like Boaz did when he met with the community elders and his kinsman to discuss marrying Ruth.

Now this was the custom in former times in Israel concerning redeeming and exchanging, to confirm anything: one man took off his sandal and gave it to the other, and this was a confirmation in Israel. Therefore the close relative said to Boaz, “Buy it for yourself.” So he took off his sandal. And Boaz said to the elders and all the people, “You are witnesses this day that I have bought all that was Elimelech’s, and all that was Chilion’s and Mahlon’s, from the hand of Naomi. Moreover, Ruth the Moabitess, the widow of Mahlon, I have acquired as my wife… Ruth 4:7-10

Taking of a shoe a show may seem odd but, this passage does lay out several wise principles for us. Marriage is not a private union and it necessarily involves a community. It is good when family, friends, and a church community can provide Godly council to couples. Boaz taking off his shoe shows us that public signs of commitment, like an engagement ring, are consistent with biblical principles. Furthermore the public sign involves the community because a marriage necessarily involves a community.

One courtship custom might be that unmarried couples sit alone on a front porch or take a walk to talk with one another. The Bible lays out the principle that when this happens it is not a casual romantic situation. There is no such thing as a casual romance. If a young couple is attracted to one another and pursuing a relationship, marriage should be viewed as the end of that relationship. Furthermore that should be known to both parties very early. If marriage is not viable, the relationship should be dissolved.

Young women of Jerusalem, I charge you, do not stir up or awaken love until the appropriate time. - Song of Solomon 8:4

This principle applies to physical and emotional intimacy. Parents have a role to play in order to disciple toward marriage and provide spiritual protection for their children.

Parental Authority: A Covering for Daughters; Preparation for Sons

God’s Word establishes a clear authority structure in preparation for marriage. Fathers are the heads of their wives and consequently the heads of their entire household (Ephesians 5:23). Mothers carry their own authority over the business of the home and in the guidance and instruction of their children (1 Timothy 5:14). Children are called to obey and to honor their parents (Ephesians 6:1-3). This honoring and obeying includes preparation for finding a Godly wife or husband. Throughout the book of Proverbs, children are told to heed their father’s and their mother’s teaching (Proverbs 1:8-9). Admonishment to a son about what kind of woman to avoid should be given by a father (Proverbs 5:1-8). The description of a Godly wife found in Proverbs 31 is given to a son by his mother (Proverbs 31:1). Whatever practical norms for courtship or dating we accept, these norms must acknowledge and honor the authority of parents over their children to counsel them on choosing a Godly wife or husband.

Again, we see this play out in the book of Ruth. Naomi acts as the adopted mother toward Ruth when they return to Israel. The two widows live in a household together and Naomi becomes Ruth’s primary counselor throughout her relationship with Boaz. Ruth submits to her guidance and her instructions throughout the relationship. Vestiges of parental authority in the courtship process have been retained in our culture. For instance, it is still generally expected that the man will ask a woman’s father before proposing. This is consistent with the order God has established for families. This Biblical authority structure provides a protective covering for daughters and prepares sons before they enter into a marriage.

A School’s Role

In one sense, the school has no role in the courtship process. Displays of romantic affection should absolutely not be allowed in a school. Students should not be openly discussing romantic attractions in the classroom. Dating relationships should not be affirmed by the culture of the school. At the same time, a school can honor the authority of parents by communicating with them what they observe in the school. If a student is being flirtatious, a teacher should communicate that to their parents. Not to embarrass or tattle on the student but as a way to encourage parental guidance for that child. If a teacher learns that students are “dating” that teacher has a responsibility to immediately let mom and dad know. A school’s role in the courtship process is primarily to acknowledge the authority granted to parents. If seniors in high school are making plans to marry shortly afterward and we know parents are aware, our policy should be to mind our own business.

The culture of the school can and should encourage discipleship toward marriage through teaching and upholding what the Bible says about romantic relationships. Ancient Paths does this through regular teaching from God’s Word and specifically studying Proverbs which specifically speaks to sexual attraction and marriage. Ancient Paths also establishes etiquette for young men and women and young boys and girls. Our uniform policy and dress code is meant to distinguish men from women as a way of honoring God’s created design. Expecting boys to line up in the back of the line, hold the door for young ladies, and encouraging respectful speech among students are all ways to honor the dignity and differences of the opposite sex. Honoring these differences is a way of ultimately honoring the way God unites men and women through marriage. Growing up in churches, schools, and families which acknowledge the differences between the sexes and the Biblical principles for marriage will, by God’s grace, reestablish steps for Biblical courtship.